On pursuit of finding time away from the world
Law school is difficult. It is exhausting in ways that go beyond academics. Having friends—people who make the burden lighter, who make you feel less alone—is a blessing. That is why it hurts more when you realize that not everyone who calls you a friend deserves the title.
If you ask me now what I love most about our story, it’s that nothing about it felt forced. It didn’t rush. It didn’t impose. It unfolded naturally — at work, in public, in motion — long before either of us could name what it was.
The agency was my safe space. I was too scared to leave, but I left anyway.
You know every time I come home to Ilocos and visit your grave, I always ask you to come and visit me even if it’s just for a quick hello?
It took you 17 months.
I can’t tell if it was my bottled-up anger, disgust, and frustration or maybe some subliminal emotions that finally brought you around, but after all this time, you’re still the only person who can tell me the right words at the right time.
The ache of missing you remains because out of nowhere, you were there in a coffee shop with me, just casually sipping your favorite iced matcha latte Vividly, you turned to me, held my hand, and in your calm but always stern voice, you said:
“Ukinnam, agtalna kan, is-stress’em lang bagbagim. Ammok nga kayang-kayam, ngem agtalna kan, true?”
And then your favorite word: “Pakasisikuram?“
I woke up crying, almost inconsolable. Thank God, I was beside my boyfriend.
Is this your message from the grave? You only appeared and visited me when I was beyond anyone else’s control. It’s as if our connection thrived in those moments of unbridled freedom.
But don’t worry, bebe, the support has been outpouring– overwhelming even– and the private reassurances were nothing but immense. Friends have been reaching out, checking up on me, and their words of wisdom had been incredibly helpful to tame the beast of your best friend. They were telling me the very same thing you reminded me of in my dreams, and I appreciate you all so much.
Right now, as I sit here surrounded by memories, it hits me how much I miss you. Our memories together, the laughter, the plans we shared – they all rush back in a bittersweet wave.
Honestly, I know that missing you might never really go away, but I find some comfort in thinking that you’re out there somewhere, maybe watching the world twirl by. You know, you left this space that can’t be filled by anyone else. But then again, I guess that’s what makes the bond we had so special.
You can always find your way into my dreams; I promise, your presence would be more than welcome there.
I love you, bebe, and I miss you again and again, more than and beyond its meaning.
I hope you’re happy up there.
This has been a messy, chaotic, unhealthy, financially-draining if not exhausting, mentally-depriving, and spiritually-challenging year. A roller-coaster ride is an understatement. It was a long, winding, rough, turbulent-heavy airplane ride with a lot of crashing and taking off, only to come crashing in the middle of the flight again. I had to damsel-in-distress most of my situations, and I wouldn’t want to have any of it in 2020. Not again.
There was a lot of self-saving, and a lot more crying to/with people I trust. I had to constantly reassure myself that what I am doing is at par with God’s timing but the universe kept on conspiring and kicking me to the dirt. It didn’t keep me grounded. It all the more made me insecure about the future. Worse, I kept on spiraling, and it was a series of never-ending self-doubt along with staying still, without really doing anything to come out of the invasives.
Continue reading “2019 Shenanigans”
This has always been my dream.
In 2017, I experienced the autumn season for the first time in Vancouver, British Columbia and I promised myself to go and experience the fall each year if I can. In 2018, I went for another Autumn solo travel in Tokyo and Seoul, two of my most favorite countries in Asia.
For a week, I spent Php 40, 236 in two countries, ALL IN. This is how I did it, but first things first, a friendly reminder to:
Continue reading “7D/6N Solo in Tokyo & Seoul for Php 41K ALL IN – Travel Guide”
It is every fan girl’s dream, they say, but for me, it was fulfilling that high school promise to bring myself to Korea when I get a [better] job. Well, perhaps it was my fan girl side, after all.
A flight was booked because of that “I think Korea is calling us” message from my super amazing friend. That night and most of the days thereafter, I never stopped thinking that finally, it is Korea.
We always knew where to go, but our itinerary was never finalized until an equally-amazing friend booked the same flight as ours.
I have always wanted to go to Pinto Art Museum, and I finally did with the love of my life.
This is just a complilation of photos that we took during the visit. We thought it was only a typical art museum, but the place and collections are so vast it’s overwhelming.
HOW TO GET THERE:
NEW ADMISSION PRICES EFFECTIVE 01 June 2025:
Our visit to Pinto Art Museum was nothing short of breathtaking—the paintings and artworks were incredibly beautiful, each one telling a story that pulls you in. But I have to admit, the place is massive.
It’s easy to get overwhelmed by the sheer size of it all, especially if you’re going with kids who might not have the patience to explore every corner. It feels more like a quiet, contemplative walk than a casual museum trip.
The good thing, though– there are plenty of cozy spots to eat and take a break, so you can slow down, recharge, and maybe even take in the art one section at a time.
You can buy merch at the exit, too!
I’m just glad that I already went, and indeed — we are the kids your parents warned you about.
I quit my job with no backup plan. No next gig lined up. Nothing waiting in the pipeline.
I quit because I was tired—and maybe my brother, Papa, and partner were tired, too. Tired of hearing me cry, of watching me juggle law school and a full-time job like my life depended on it. (Because it kind of did.)
Don’t get me wrong—I’m incredibly grateful. These days, I no longer worry about work deadlines. My biggest dilemma now is deciding what time to hit the gym, head to Pilates, or go swimming for recovery. And honestly? For someone who’s been working her whole life—this is the dream.
It’s the kind of life I used to daydream about. The “princess treatment.” The breath of fresh air I didn’t know I needed.
But I want to be clear: I know this is a privilege.
I can take this break because I have a safety net—my family, my partner. I can rest because they are holding space for me to do so, emotionally and financially.
And I will always, always be thankful for that.
But I also know this isn’t a reality for everyone. So if you’re reading this, and you’re not in the same boat—I want to remind you of something important: you still deserve rest.
Even if it’s short. Even if it’s stolen in between classes, or squeezed into a hectic work week. Even if it’s imperfect.
You deserve to breathe.
Read that book you’ve been putting off.
Go for a run—or a walk, if that feels better.
Visit your hometown.
Book that flight if you can.
Do that one thing you’ve been meaning to do but keep postponing for “someday.”
And if you do have a support system behind you—whether it’s your parents, your partner, a friend who always checks in—I hope you stay grounded in gratitude. Because being able to rest shouldn’t be a luxury, but for many, it is.
So today, rest if you can.
Dream a little if you must.
And remember: you are allowed to take up space—not just to work, but to heal, to grow, and to breathe.
It has been a constant battle of “what wolf wins?” lately, and it came to a point tonight that I realized the one I feed is taking the victory by storm.
I call it rage.
Sometimes it’s pain, other times it’s anger.
I hadn’t felt this familiar nudge for a long time. Or maybe I had but I was so used to keeping it hidden at the far back of my chafe closet that letting it out was a waste of time for someone who’d rather work or sleep or study or eat. You see, there wasn’t enough space to take it all in, so I did what I do best: ignore it and let it pass grow.
So it grew. It turned out to be my dreaded anger energy. And I hated it so much because it meant that I should cry my heart out again to lighten the burden. I don’t know how to feel about that either.
So, to ease myself up, I want to share a story of bottled-up anger– a moment that ignited a fire that left me burning with hatred. One so intense that it threatened to consume the very essence of my remaining logic.
Someone indirectly told me that I was not good enough, and that’s something I will not forget. No, not for a long time.
But here’s the twist: I am more than good enough. I have never given up on making myself better in every aspect just for someone to ruin that.
We’ve all been there – the moment when someone’s words or actions trigger a storm of emotions within us. It’s as if they’ve taken a sledgehammer to our self-esteem, leaving us feeling wounded and vulnerable. So just like any other eldest daughter in an Asian household, my first line of defense was to prove them wrong.
Do I let them define me? NO.
Do I rise above them and show the world of my worth that they try so hard to tear down? YES.
So Universe, watch me win. I want you to watch me win because despite one person telling me I can’t, there are a few hundred who constantly remind me that I will. The chorus of support, belief, and encouragement from those who see my potential far outweighs the solitary voice of doubt that tries to shake my foundation. This is a declaration to the Universe that I refuse to be defined by negativity; I am fueled by the unwavering faith of those who know that I am capable of achieving far more than I set my heart on.
Watch me win because the journey to self-discovery and self-acceptance can be tough, but it’s also incredibly rewarding. Let me feel the rage, let me ease the pain. Let me feel all those negative emotions at once. Let me cry. But please always remind me that I’ve embraced my imperfections, learned from my mistakes, and grown stronger with every setback I had to face. So I refuse to be defined by one person’s opinion or a single moment of doubt.
I am more than capable. I am more than enough.
So, dear universe, watch me win. Watch me as I conquer my fears, shatter limitations, and reach heights I never thought possible.
This is my journey, and I am determined to make it a victorious one– even if people’s insecurity about my security tries to cast shadows on my path.
I want you to watch me win.
Neyziellewanders 